To love thy self is one of the healthiest and most important things you can do as a person.
When a person is able to love who they are, then and only then can they truly understand their value, how they should receive love and how they can in turn, love others.
However, this concept of “Self-Love” is often founded on the basis of what many people perceive as love. Their understanding of love, their love language and quite often, repeat experiences that many unconsciously embrace as normal; even when some of these perceived “normal” things are harmful and do not reflect or are not a true definition of love.
So, the meaning of Self-Love is quite relative and unique to each person in existence.
Let’s take a look at what it means to have Self-Love and why this is such an important concept that many people should embrace, for a healthy and well-rounded life experience.
Oxford defines Self-Love as “regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.”
Self-love is strongly associated with having a high regard for your well-being and happiness, taking care of your needs and not sacrificing your well-being just to please others. It also means not settling for less than you deserve.
So, what are the things that make this so, and what other things should a person consider when trying to establish Self-Love?
The following highlights are things I think any person who has a healthy relationship with loving who they are should have, in order to attain that place of Self-Love.
This isn’t a rigid formula, but would only serve as a guide to understanding what it means to love one’s self in a healthy way; establishing clarity, balance and our reaffirming our inestimable value as humans.
Liking yourself
Do you like yourself?
Take a moment to think about that.
This crucial because if you’re someone who does not like yourself, it would be difficult to love yourself, treat yourself right and also permit the right kind of behavior from others; including receiving love in healthy relationships.
Liking yourself is a super important factor that helps you treat yourself right. It enables you to enjoy your own company, even in the absence of others.
When you like yourself, you begin to appreciate who you really are and eventually love yourself.
You can’t take good care of something you do not like or value, including yourself, because love shows care in practical ways…
And that takes me to the next point.
Self-Care (Your Needs Vs Your Wants)
When you love yourself, you take good care of yourself and that means attending to your needs and your wants. Both are valid and need to be addressed at various times.
Needs are often essential and fundamental, like food, health, shelter, peace, safety, a good means of livelihood etc. These things make your everyday living possible and comfortable. Every living being needs these things to survive and have a good life.
While wants are often desires that are good and enhance the ‘quality’ of our everyday life. Some require efforts to attain them, while others require extra finances. Things like becoming fit, strong and healthier requires some extra efforts, especially if you don’t like to exercise; but because you desire/ want to be healthy, your self-care effort is focused on exercising to achieve that want, and there are many more examples that you can relate to.
Wants like extra items, a new gadget or technological service, or a luxury product, or tour/ travel experience etc. are all good things and they often enhance our wellbeing. They may not be accessible to everyone, but if you have the means to do some of these things for yourself, why not?
There is really no reason to feel guilty about experiencing a higher quality of life, beyond the fundamental, because all of these things enhance our lives and are ways of taking good care of ourselves.
The bottom line is, Self-Care is a fundamental aspect of Self-Love that we must all embrace.
Commitment (Saying No Vs Saying Yes)
Another crucial aspect of Self-Love is commitment and this is quite important. Commitment to anything or anyone takes up some of our time and a portion of our lives, the very essence of who we are and what we choose to pour our lives into.
It determines if we will have balanced and wholesome lives. So before you commit to anything or anyone, it is important to make a good assessment of the task, project, cause or person before you.
Your mental stability, strength and productivity will depend on your decision. That’s if you choose right and this means, saying “NO” or “YES” to a thing, person or cause.
The common problem most folks have is the ability to say “NO”, in a calm, kind, firm and respectful way.
Saying “YES” has hurt more people, relationships, finances and businesses; and so the world now has a good number of people who are out of balance, feeling stuck or dissatisfied with the quality of lives they now lead.
When you love yourself, you wouldn’t jump on just any opportunity that comes your way and that sometimes means saying “NO” to achieve balance, health, peace and safety. This also includes your mental health, emotions and the state of your heart.
Some ways to say “NO” in a calm, kind, firm and respectful way includes some of the following suggestions:
“Oh, thank you for this opportunity, but I’ll have to decline.”
“I would love to take this up, but I really do not have the time.”
“Thank you for this, but I’m not interested.”
“I have a really busy schedule and won’t be able to accommodate this right now.”
“I think I’ll pass, but thank you though for thinking of me.”
Remember, you really shouldn’t have any reason to feel guilty for saying “NO” to some things, especially if you would rethink such a decision and have regrets for saying “YES” in the first place.
Self-Love knows when to say “NO” and when to say “YES”. So make decisions regarding commitments carefully.
Boundaries
A life without boundaries is always a life that permits anything. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Self-Love knows that boundaries are important and without them, our lives will not only be out of balance, but we will also experience many things, including things that are harmful to us and our well-being.
The truth is, people as human beings will always push and poke at our boundaries and whatever we permit, would become the norm and acceptable behavior from them to us.
Self-Love understands that we must set the tone and standard of how we want to be treated, approached or perceived and this is only accomplished by good and healthy boundaries; this also includes boundaries for yourself, not just for other people.
Things like: Our time for the close of business, resting well on weekends, not taking work home, or boundaries like not having extra fillings or eating out, or boundaries like not splurging on a product or service, that eventually blows out our budget etc.
These kind of boundaries help us stay balanced in a wholesome way.
So, we can choose to look at our boundaries as a foes or friends.
Friends that help us stay in check and live in a safe space where we can to a large extent, control the outcome of our lives or our everyday experiences by what we permit.
This is a decision that is often totally up to you and I hope you are able to develop some great boundaries that enhances the quality of your life.
Your Love Language and Setting The Standard.
Everyone has a love language.
To some it may be ‘quality conversations’, for others, it may be ‘quality time’.
For some their love language is in ‘presents and gifts’ received, while others feel loved when they receive ‘positive affirmations and appreciation’. For some ‘support’ and for others ‘touch’ or, ‘thoughtfulness’ or even ‘practical care’.
The list of love languages of people is quite vast and unique to each individual, but one thing is certain, when we experience them, we feel loved.
Self-Love knows to recognize what love languages speaks to us, and to apply it to ourselves. It also knows that it is important to also communicate this to those that count in our lives, letting them know what our love languages are.
If for instance your love language is ‘Nice presents’, you really don’t need to be hesitant to gift to yourself some things. When you appreciate yourself and show love to yourself, it becomes only natural that other do the same to and for you. Remember, just like boundaries, you also set the tone too.
The truth is, when you do this, those who matter in your life are able to recognize your love language (you could also tell them to keep out the mystery if they are important to you) and respond in a way that brings you much happiness, satisfaction and an experience that makes you feel loved.
Compromise and Sacrifice
Self-Love understand the difference between compromise and sacrifice and when a decision that involves either of them isn’t worth it.
Compromise is settling for something, often something that falls short of a set standard or desire. Before you come to a compromise regarding anything, you need to clearly assess if you could live with such a decision for the rest of your life, or for the period that that very decision would actively and passively influence your life and that of others, especially if you are a leader.
Compromise isn’t always bad, especially when it involves conflict resolution between people, organizations or nations.
But the determining factor is the question:
“Can I live with this decision and be truly satisfied?”
Self-Love knows that if such a decision would hurt and cause more harm than good, then settling and compromise would never do.
On the other hand, Sacrifice is a decision that is made in a state of inconvenience, but often for the rewards to come. They are mostly long term or accrued over a period of time.
A goal like ‘Financial Freedom’ often requires sacrifice and diligently saving, investing and spending wisely.
Self-Love knows when discipline must be engaged to enjoy some rewards for a great future, one that brings with it a great quality of life.
But the determining factor is the question:
“Can I tolerate this for the long haul for a great future?”
The truth is, some things are not worth our compromise or sacrifice, and only a few things are worthy of compromise and sacrifice.
Self-Love knows when to draw the line and when to go with the wind regarding any decision; because sometimes, we need to relax (in a balanced way) and take care of ourselves.
It is important to truly live, because you only live once, and some savings need to be “invested’ in you as a person, instead of sitting idle at your bank. I hope you understand this.
Like everything else, carefully assess and be honest about your answer to any of the two aforementioned questions. This may help you make a decision that is right at different points in your life.
At least hopefully, if you aren’t too emotional and are rational about what makes your life so much better, especially in the long run.
Your Identity
Lastly, knowing who you are helps you appreciate the essence of you.
When you know that you are important, alive for a great purpose, worthy of love and every good thing and loved by the one, The Creator of the universe, the one who made you, then you won’t have struggles about loving yourself.
Many people struggle with displaying Self-Love because they think they aren’t worthy of it or they are only obligated to love others and pour into other people without doing the same for themselves.
I’ll share with you two perspectives as a Christian. I hope you learn something, especially if Christianity isn’t your faith. Please bear with me and read on if you don’t mind.
The first thing is, the Bible talks about “Loving the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind and then loving your neighbor as you love yourself”. (Luke 10:27)
This in itself means it’s a natural inclination to love yourself. It is an innate response that should come naturally. So you should treat yourself well and not poorly, because you really matter and you also deserve nothing short of the same from others.
I hope the previous points have helped regarding insight on what it means to have Self-Love, so you can learn to love and appreciate who you are.
The second thing is, the Bible talks about “Being greatly loved, that God gave Himself, His Son Jesus just for you, who is made in His own image. He died and rose again, so that you might live a life of abundance here on earth and also have eternal life afterwards.” (John 3:16, Genesis 1:26-27).
If someone went great lengths to do this just for you, it means you’re just too important and precious.
You are worth dying for and when you know this, you realize your value is inestimable and you deserve great and good things.
You are deserving of love and affection from yourself and from others, because The Creator made you in His image and you are very precious. So why wouldn’t you love you?
The challenge is many folks have listened to and believed more of the opinions of others, about who they think they are and what they think they deserve. While some can’t really express Self-Love because all they’ve ever know is pain and abuse.
If this is you, I want you to know that you matter.
You are loved by God and you have a great purpose.
Don’t ever doubt that, because who you are, your identity isn’t determined by other people, the culture, or what’s popular. It’s determined by the One who made you and gave you free-will to choose to become great.
Never forget that you’ve been created for a great purpose and you are deserving of love, affection, and you can begin by showing some love to yourself.
Conclusion
Self-Love remains fundamental to our well-being as human beings and I really hope the seven (7) points explained have been very insightful and helpful.
I also hope from now on, you choose to be intentional about displaying Self-Love.
Love who you are, show up for yourself in healthy ways, live fully and enjoy an enhanced quality of life.
Thank you for reading.
Article by Opeolu Adeyemi.
Corporate Communications and Public Relations Consultant
Founder, Brave Publicity Ink!
Brave Publicity Ink! 